i am now 26, just past the silver year. not yet married but in a relationship. most of the time i come running to my blog whenever i have some sort of heartache. i've been in this current relationship for more than 4 years now.

one of the effects of the pretty long time i've been with my partner is the somewhat numbing down of some of the most hurtful things (eg breakups which used to happen every few months or so). but still, there would be times when something new would come up and strike me totally unwarned, leaving me bleeding and badly wounded. good thing i am one resilient person. though too resilient at times, coz sometimes i'm aware that i'm already dusting off myself when somewhere deep inside i still want to lie down, to bleed. it's been quite a while since i last posted something here... and this post is related to the last one. as i said earlier, i only run here when there's heartache in my life. and here it is. another one but so much bigger.

in my last post, i was furious with this guy, the one who was flirting with my girl. well, my girlfriend has not been totally honest with me before. she told he just made her happy... just that. no other feelings. but just this afternoon, she made a confession... (just writing this makes my hand flimsy, really tired, like i have jello at the end of my arms, and i can feel my heart pound faster but weaker at the same time) she fell in love with the guy. but she said it was all over, she just wanted me to know, to be honest with me, so i could decide if i still want to go on. and of course i had to ask as it did matter: no, they didn't have sex. but pretty close, there was already some direct contact but nothing more, according to her (i don't know why the hell do i want to know the bloody details! what's wrong with me, though i know that i really am not thinking straight, even at this moment). i still don't know the guy. the only thing i know is that we share the same name. what a lovely coincidence.

there were three things in this confession that brought me down: 1. she almost had sex with somebody else; 2. she loved the guy; 3. they kissed, and she kissed him with love. i hate it! it's more than hate, i just don't know what word would be appropriate. i really feel like dying now... but the resilient me is already standing up, not even giving me time to grieve, getting things ready for forgiveness and moving on. but i'm still bleeding. so much.

she's still mine, i still hers. sounds truly fantastic. and hopefully i'd feel that way really soon. i need her right now. i need her to make me happy. i told her i feel cheated coz she had to make the confession over the phone. she didn't have to see me fall down, she didn't have to hear me whimper at the shock of the confession. (i had to sit down for a while after i heard it, and it was the first time that i actually whimpered, i didn't even know i could make such a sound).

haa... i didn't raise the white flag.  and i don't think i will right now. but i need help. i may be up, walking and dusting off myself but i'm still bleeding.

This is my so-called love story:

            I am the long-time crush of my current girlfriend. I was her crush since we were in highschool and I wouldn’t deny the fact that she also caught my attention back then, but not as much as I caught hers. Call me conceited or whatever, but that is the truth, she was attracted to me more than I was to her. Nothing exciting happened in highschool, though in the back of my mind I have already planned to be somewhat exclusive for her. I wasn’t planning on getting into any relationship while I’m still using my parent’s money. I’m from a pretty big family and it wouldn’t be fair if I start using money which could be used to pay for my brother’s schooling or my grandparent’s medication so I could pursue my romantic interests. I’m the pragmatic-over-romantic type. Practicality has been running in my blood, I think I got it from my father.

            So after highschool came college. We were supposed to separate ways back then, I qualified for this university but she didn’t. Well of course I wouldn’t give away my slot as this is a well-known university; and she somehow managed to get in, though she did not pursue a regular baccalaureate program. In truth, I didn’t like the decision she made, setting aside other more important things just to be with me, and to be honest, college did seem to further mellow the feelings I had for her. She was there waiting for something to happen, probably holding on to the fact that she was also my crush  (my bestfriend spilled the beans back in highschool). Two years she waited and still nothing happened. I wouldn’t be surprised if her friends call her stupid or martyr for waiting for someone like me. I’m not A-class guy, though I’m definitely not ugly. Two-years was all she had in that university as she only took a diploma course. Then she transferred to a different school to take-up nursing. For three years we were even farther away from each other. There came a time when I had taken interest in one of my housemates, I lived in a co-ed boarding house just to be clear. I shook that off knowing that someone’s patiently waiting for me. She’s still there I know.

            After that three years of waiting and being farther away, she finally said she wants to give-up, she’s letting go of me. That was something I know can’t let happen… so we became “us”. That was no hard-labor on my part. I just had to let her know that I didn’t want her to go, that I really want her and was just waiting for the right time. I was still living under my parent’s financing as I was still a student back then. Anyway, it’s time to put that one aside as I’m about to lose something important.

            A little over four years had passed, she’s still mine, I’m still hers. There are lots of happy moments, times that I cherish, but there also times when we are down. If there is one thing that always keeps us dragging under is the fact that I am not romantic. I am not sweet. I am the pragmatic guy who would most of the time have to think about this and that before doing anything. I lack the creative imagination to swoon the ladies, even the one I love. But that was something she knew about me from the very start. That was me when she said she liked me, loved me. Well since I’m in a relationship I have to put in some effort to make it work so I did. I tried to change and slightly succeeded, but she managed to make me feel I’m never enough. I know we shared happy moments but whenever she feels disappointed the word “never” (or hindi) always pops up. “Hindi mo ginagawa yung ganito, bakit hindi ka ganyan, hindi ko naramdaman yung ganito sayo…” I really hate it as I know it’s not “never” but admittedly, it’s not always as it’s not really in my nature. But still, saying those moments, moments that I cherish, never happened really hurts. Feels like all the good things will always be overshadowed by the disappointments. I feel like she fell in love with the guy she thought I could be instead of who I really am. I’m really trying to fill-in her expectations, but feels like I never really can.

            Even my being considerate is being taken negatively. I don’t call her up when she’s at work or when I think she’s asleep. I just wait for her to be free but she sees it as me being complacent and uncaring, I tried to explain to her that I just don’t want to disturb her. She can call me when I’m at work cause the nature of my work does not demand as much time and attention as hers but I wouldn’t call her cause I’d never know when she’s trying to stop turning a patient into a cadaver giving medication to somebody or just plain busy.

            Now there’s this guy in the hospital where she’s working. He has a girlfriend but has started to be sweet with my girlfriend. I really want him dead! My girlfriend herself told me that. And the really sad thing is that he makes her happy. Again, she said that she “never” felt that happy with me but she still ditched the guy. I was thankful and really appreciated the honesty. That was three days ago.

I was happy and very much secure with my girlfriend, and I believed that she really loved me. But now I’m all questions. I’m really unsettled and I don’t know who wouldn’t be. I told her this morning to call me up when she wakes up cause I really need her to know what I’m feeling. And voila, she just repeated the things that she said the other day, how I should be like that guy, further fueling my sense of insecurity. Can’t you just tell me that you love me? Try to make me feel that you’re still there for me? Well what she wants was for me to see the “moral lesson” that I should be like him, do things that he does. I tried. I am trying but I don’t think I can when I’m feeling like this.

I know it’s natural for a woman to be longing for sweetness and those things but I think it’s unfair! He’s right beside her and I’m very far from her! We have a kind of long distance relationship and the first thing that should be maintained to keep it going is the sense of security, something that I’ve been giving her, and something that she wants me to lose so I could be sweeter, so I could do more of what she wants. I tried and I am trying… when should I stop? Will I ever be enough? Is it really fair for her to seek so much of something that is not really in my nature?

note: this was supposed to be uploaded the other day, just hesitated...

i came into your house. i took your laptop, accessories for your laptop, your roommate's ipod, and your wallets. seems like i hit a jackpot this night. thanks

--magnanakaw

good thing he didn't leave any note of this kind. yup, we've been robbed, while we were sleeping... my laptop... all my files and pictures... hay...

is the point where you start asking if you still want to go on the beginning of the end?

so what exactly is the point in keeping your meeting with a girl a secret if the girl is an active social networking bug? hayy... that would be my girlfriend... well this may sound stupid to some people but we have mutually decided to keep our meetings some sort of loose secret from our families. why? because i sleep over at her place and our parents don't know about it! and here she is taking our pictures whenever we go out and posting them all in her facebook and friendster account... and my brothers and sisters and cousins are all on faceboook. so who are we fooling here? hmm...